What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
- Carina Quinn
- Nov 12
- 4 min read
Grief makes people uncomfortable.Not because we don’t care, but because we care so deeply we don’t want to make things worse.
So we say nothing — or we say the wrong thing — and then we spend hours replaying it in our heads, wishing we’d found better words.
If that sounds familiar, take a breath. You’re not alone.
Here’s the truth: when someone is grieving, it’s not about having the perfect words. It’s about showing up anyway.
In Perth, I often see how grief pulls communities together in quiet, beautiful ways. Whether it’s neighbours leaving meals on a doorstep or friends showing up weeks later for a walk by the river — it’s those steady, small gestures that remind us we’re not alone.
Silence isn’t safety
It’s easy to stay quiet because you’re afraid to say the wrong thing. But silence can echo louder than clumsy compassion.
You don’t have to fix the pain — you can’t, anyway.But you can sit next to it. You can witness it.
A simple “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” carries more love than any polished condolence.
"Presence matters more than perfection."
What helps
There are a few phrases that tend to land gently:
“I’m thinking of you.”
“This must be so hard.”
“I’m here — not just now, but in the weeks ahead.”
Keep it simple. Keep it honest.Say their person’s name.Ask a story if it feels right: “What were they like?”
That small invitation tells them it’s safe to speak about their loss.
What doesn’t help
Most unhelpful words come from good intentions.But phrases like:
“They’re in a better place.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
…can sting. They rush to tidy up what isn’t meant to be tidy. If you’re unsure, speak from love, not logic.
"Grief doesn’t need fixing — it needs witnessing."
How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving
Supporting someone through grief doesn’t need to be perfect — it just needs to be present. Across Perth, people are learning that empathy can be simple: a shared story, a steady presence, a message that says, “I’m here.”
Small acts speak loudly
When words fail, gestures step in.Drop a meal at their door.Send a message that doesn’t need a reply.Leave a note that says, “No need to answer — just love.”
It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about quiet consistency.
Grieving people are surrounded in the first week, then often forgotten by the third.Keep showing up — gently, steadily — in the months that follow.
That’s when it really matters.
Listen for the unsaid
Sometimes people grieving will say, “I’m fine.”They’re not lying — they’re just surviving.
Listen for what’s underneath.The sigh before they speak. The pause that hangs in the air. The moments they go quiet mid-sentence.
You don’t have to fill the silence.Just hold it with them.
That’s what being present looks like.
If you’ve said the wrong thing
Apologise simply. Don’t over explain.“I said the wrong thing earlier — I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to say, but I want to be here for you.”
Grief gives grace to sincerity.You’re not expected to get it perfect — only to mean it.
Love that lingers
In the end, grief isn’t a moment to fix — it’s a space to honour.
If you can sit beside someone in that space — without trying to change it, fill it, or rush it — you’re giving them one of the most beautiful gifts possible: proof that love doesn’t leave when words do.
Because sometimes, the most healing thing you can say is simply:“I remember them too.”
FAQ
What should I say to someone who’s grieving?
Keep it simple and kind. “I’m thinking of you,” “I’m here,” or even “I don’t have words, but I’m holding you in my thoughts” are more powerful than people realise. Perth is such a community-minded place — often, it’s the steady check-ins and quiet presence that matter most.
How can I support a grieving friend without saying the wrong thing?
Don’t worry about getting the words right — focus on being present. Drop off a meal, send a voice note, or invite them out for a walk. Even a slow stroll along one of Perth’s beaches — just listening to the waves and watching the horizon — can be incredibly grounding when words feel hard to find.
When should I reach out after someone has experienced a loss?
Keep checking in. Many people reach out in the first week, but it’s the weeks and months that follow when the quiet really sets in. A simple “thinking of you today” text or a quick call a few weeks later can mean more than you know.
How do I comfort someone when I don’t know what to say?
You don’t need to fix their pain — just acknowledge it. Sit beside them, listen, and let silence do some of the talking. The right words usually come when they’re needed most, and often they’re just a whisper of care.
Are there gentle ways to honour someone’s memory in Perth?
Absolutely. Some families find meaning in lighting candles at home, visiting Kings Park at sunset, or writing messages to release at the coast. Perth’s natural spaces — its beaches, bushland, and open sky — offer a quiet kind of healing that invites reflection and connection.
What if I’m the one grieving and don’t know what I need?
That’s completely okay. Grief is disorienting, and there’s no roadmap. Try giving yourself permission to pause — maybe sit by the river, breathe, journal, or simply do nothing for a while. You don’t have to be okay right now.
More by The Wordsmith
If you’re looking for a celebrant to help honour someone you love, I’d be honoured to help you find the right words.
— Carina Quinn | The Wordsmith CelebrantCreating modern, heartfelt celebrations of life across Perth.
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